Well, that didn’t long..
After a few good months, after forgetting and not wasting energy it hits me like a ton of bricks. Granted I edited this sentence like 3 times already, I had a breakdown.. well a mini-break down.
Unfortunately no one has the “manual” to life. We humans utterly stumble onto the next thing that is going to make our life complete. For some it is money, for some it is buying the newest car or tech gadget but after my successful non-valentines day celebration, not caring about a relationship, I had the ugly feeling if incompleteness again!
Imagine yourself at the grocery store.. you have a 10 items on your list of things to get; detergent, chicken, ice cream, cookies, chips, soda, etc. and seamlessly you navigate through the already small aisles trying to grab everything quickly so that you can get home in time to enjoy not only getting everything on your list but in time to enjoy your purchases. Now imagine that you get sidetracked along your hunt for your items and then you get home and you miss the one thing you really needed and/or wanted - the eggs! Aren’t you upset? Aren’t you mad? Well you should be - eggs are good for you! LOL! Now imagine the same analogy but the grocery store is your life. Job - checked! Finances - checked! Living situation - checked! And for most of us (well I should say mostly me) can’t checkmark the one thing that I haven’t been able to find or attain - a meaningful relationship with someone that I can love and that can love me back.
It’s quite the conundrum that is my life. I had a discussion with a person about people not having it all. I had a discussion with a family member about wanting it all. Needless to say that there is no complete or right answer when it comes to either discussion. However, I have been a person who has worked hard to achieve where I stand at. I have shed a lot of tears, dealt with bad news, been stepped on but I still remained resilient and managed to come out with a smile on my face but when it comes to my complete my life with a meaningful relationship, I udderly fail.
Some of you might call the co-dependent card out. Some of you might suggest the same of me, which is fine - you are entitled to your own opinion, however, allow me to explain that my situation is in no way similar. I was in love once. I would have done anything for this person. I did so much to show my commitment to this person. I enjoyed 100 percent of our time together. I felt like I was on cloud nine with this person. I can tell you with 100 percent honesty and say that if given the chance, I would have married him (law allowing) and live our lives together (time permitting). Of course it didn’t work that way, but you can see what lengths I was willing to go. To make decisions like that shows you how much I would do for someone that I truly love. That’s the feeling I yearn for again.
I honestly believe that age plays a major factor in the way I feel. I’m not Benjamin Buttons! I am just like everyone else. I am getting older. I thought by the time I was in my 30s I was going to be settled down and in somewhat meaningful relationship. If not anything at least be dating someone or go on more than one date a year (ok maybe 6 months). I’m totally in this gray void right now.. no dates, no relationship, no nothing! Argh!
I really don’t know where to go from this point? Of course I am still going to work, and hang out with friends and go to the gym but at what point does the repetition stop and something (or someone) new comes into my life to make it interesting again? All I keep reminiscing about is the some-what happiest time in my life 1.5 years ago. Where for a few months I thought I had it all and then just like the flip of a switch it was turned off.
As I finish wrapping up my thoughts, I listen to my favorite song, Trick of Fate by Valerie Pinkston. The lyrics strike a chord with me…
I never thought I’d find someone like you
Though in my every fantasy I saw you everyday
I thought there was no way - to make my dream come true
I always thought that I would be alone
Afraid to dream that anyone was ever gonna see
The love inside of me - but how could I have known
A trick of fate would bring us together
A trick of fate would alter our lives
We had to wait it seemed like forever
But never say never to a trick of fate
What were the chances I’d be here with you
That after all the lonely years of searching everywhere
I’d turn and you’d be there - from clear out of the blue